Who loved me through recovery

An illness does not only affect the person who suffers, but those of family, friends, and community. I can feel when you’re about to come up to me and ask a question, but there is hesitation. The drive on the way to the doctor’s appointment there’s silence, that kind where you want someone to say anything to fill the tension. I know I’m not the only person who has pain during this time. My parents, just like any other parents, want to take away that pain from their child. I know how helpless they feel, when they see me struggle and know that it has to come from within me to make myself better. My friends at events can see me try and be my true self, but knows there’s the battle I’m facing that makes me not me.

During the deep parts of my illness I never thought that I would still have people behind me, supporting me. Putting myself and others through hell and confusion. I don’t even think I would be behind myself supporting me as I got sick. It takes a strong person to love someone who is ill. To stay even when I push and fight; you still stayed. Who are there day and night when I needed someone the most. I am eternally grateful for those who loved me through recovery.

Love, The Whole Version of the Broken One You Loved 

To the Woman Who Saved My Life

To the woman who saved my life,

We met once when I was born 23 years ago. As a young girl I would create this image about you. What you looked like and wonder about your personality. My mom growing up always told me the story of how I became hers. In that story, there’s a missing piece. From the day I was born to 14 months old; a lot happened between those months. But that’s okay. I do not what to know that from you. I would rather believe you gave me up so I can have a better life than to know the truth. I read a book that was about chinese adoption how some women in China did horrible things to do to not have a baby girl, but you didn’t do those horrible things. You knew there was a better way to handle the situation. You knew that I would be found in front of the food store and not in the trash can. You knew in your heart that you could not kill me at birth, you let me live. You made your own decision to let me have a different life. I can’t even imagine how difficult it was for you to leave me in front of the food store. No one should ever have to feel that pain. You and I have gone through the same pain. To lose one another within a day. There’s the pain of wondering where you are or what happened to you once you placed me at the food store. I know what you did for me is a selfless thing for me and my family. Many people can not do what you did.

I sometimes forget about you and so does my family. You out of all people should not be forgotten in my story. When I do think about you especially my birthday and Mother’s Day, I always wish you are well. If there was a way I could help you now as I am an adult I would do anything. The way I’ve been dealing with this is to have the mindset to thank you by living. That’s it. If I can live and survive everyday either in a good or bad way I lived. I am the living version of you. I live for myself and you. I carry you with me. Always. If you could see me now, I hope you are proud of me. To see my run in the sport I love. To see me turn 23. To have seen me graduate high school and getting the opportunity to go to college. You gave me things I couldn’t get it if I stayed in China and you knew that. You did an act that shows love for another human being that does not get recognized. They say our relationship is the wound that never heals. That we will always feel in our heart that something is missing. That we will not be a whole person. We feel that pain everyday that a piece of our heart is empty. Both you and I know my mom cannot fill that missing part in my heart. But we continue to fight. I forgive you and the choice you made.  

Sincerely,

The girl you gave birth to

 

What 2019 Has Taught Me

Trust the process.

Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason”? No joke, it truly does. We are each living our own lives, with different perspectives and opinions on how life should ultimately go. Do you ever look back at a tough part of your life after getting through it and clearly see why each pattern of events had to occur to get you to where you are in the present moment?You learn lessons, and receive blessings at every turn we make in our journey. It all depends on if you actually look for them. Every person, place, thought, and feeling is completely relevant to helping you find yourSELF. It’s important to understand when you are feeling like you are struggling, that there is a higher purpose as to why you are in the situation you are in. Trusting the process of how your life turns out is harder than it seems. We always want to be in control as to what happens in our lives, but we must let go of the expectations of how things will turn out. What makes it easier for myself, is looking back to times where I couldn’t even start to imagine my life as it is now. Every single thing you do is impacting your future in some way. Even a year ago, I never imagined my life would be even close to how amazing it is now. Trust your process, it works out in the end. What is meant to be, will be.

 Stand in your truth, even if your voice shakes.

I dare you to stand in your truth, even if your voice shakes. Standing in your truth means to stand up for what YOU know is right, and true to you. If you feel a certain way, feel it, and don’t let another person dictate what you should or should not be feeling, under any circumstance.Stand up for your relationship, stand up for your perspective, and stand up for yourself, especially when you are being disrespected. Why go around wearing a mask & hiding who you truly & authentically are? Why are you hiding? What’s the point?Even if you are nervous about what people might be thinking, or the feedback you’ll get, speak your truth, and speak it LOUD! To be honest, if you aren’t speaking your truth, you’re lying to yourself. Your voice needs to be heard, and if it’s not acknowledged, look elsewhere for your validation. I am standing for my own truth that has been tried to be silenced after many years. I am not seeking validation from those who can’t stand in the brightness of my light. Instead, I am shining brightly to help those looking find their way. I am not crazy. I am not begging for attention. I am simply who I am, and loving every second of it. I am standing in my truth, always.Stop lying to yourself. Start loving who you actually are. 

Embrace the detours.

Learn to embrace the detours life throws at you. It’s in these moments that redirections give you the time to really think some decisions through, or allow some insight to pour in about if you actually took that route. Detours are a blessing in disguise, as I stated earlier, everything happens for a reason. So if there is a detour, look for the blessing it is bringing you. Sometimes the long sit in traffic teaches me patience, and the feeling of going with the flow. Some days the detour makes me aware of the reactions I have when I get frustrated, teaching me mindfulness. It’s easy to get pissed off when life doesn’t turn out how you originally planned, but it’s a lot easier to understand that there was a deeper meaning to your detour that day. Remember, trust the process. The detours brought into our lives are meant to enrich us with growth, expansion, and patience. It’s all in divine timing. 

 

 

I Believe in Adoption

The Gift of Life

“I didn’t give you the gift of life,

But in my heart I know.

The love I feel is deep and real,

As if it had been so.

For us to have each other

Is like a dream come true!

No, I didn’t give you

The gift of life,

Life gave me the gift of you.”

-Unknown 

This quote from an anonymous poem about adoption is very meaningful to me. As I grew up the poem remained on my mind and has given me inspiration. My name is Rebecca and I was born in Yangjiang, China. When I was about 14 months old my parents adopted me and brought me to the United States. That was in 1997. In the 1990s, over 220,000 children were placed for adoption in the United States. Some of these children were domestically born, some were foreign born, some were young, and some were older. For all these children, including me, life is a lot different than it would have been without adoption. It changes children’s lives forever. 

Kids are put up for adoption for many different reasons. I like to believe that I was put up for adoption as a baby because my biological mother wanted me to have a better life and education than I would have received in China. Other times a child’s family may not have the time, money, or ability to take care of a child. Adoptive parents provide the love, care, and stability that these children need. As the poem says, one mother gives you life and the other lets you experience that life. I know my biological mother loved me because she was willing to place me for adoption so that my adoptive mother and father could have the opportunity to love me and care for me. 

There are many people who ask whether heredity or environment make you who you are. I believe it is a combination of both. My heredity gives me my personality and my appearance, but my environment shapes my thoughts, actions, and character. Adoption didn’t change the fact that I am Chinese; instead it gave me a chance to experience things that I would otherwise not have been able to experience. 

Adoption is not a dirty word, it never was. There is always another way that has a good outcome. Some people have a hard time talking about adoption, but if people know it is a very positive way to form a family, more people might consider it as an option.   

This I believe

 

Twenty-three

As I write my last day of being twenty-two I wanted to share that I am no longer in solid recovery. I’m trying to be vulnerable and honest with those who support me and be honest with myself. Since school had started at Elmhurst College things have been very difficult. Change is difficult. Being vulnerable is extremely difficult. Although my last couple of months being twenty-two hasn’t been sunshine and rainbows ( or butterflies), I still made it to twenty-three. I remember when I was nineteen years old being told that I wasn’t going to survive at the rate I was going in my eating disorder it should have been a wake up call, but it wasn’t until my second time in treatment I really thought about my life and how I wanted to live it. In the past I’ve had good doctors and bad doctors. I remember them both. Unfortunately, the bad doctors I remember most, not only because of their actions, but what they said to me when I was younger. But thanks to them it has pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and push me to try my hardest to get to recovery. Despite all of this, I’m standing a little taller, see a little clearer, and growing a little stronger. 

What I learned this past year was that time is precious. To appreciate where you are today and be thankful for that. Life is too short to waste it on hating yourself. I’m learning that I’m given this life only once, to take care of myself and care for my body the way it should be. There is no “perfect” life, because you’re on your own path and to make the most out of it. To appreciate the people in your life: to not push away the people who are trying to help you. Not to think too hard or too much and to follow your gut instincts. Appreciate your family, you’ll never know how much you miss them until it’s too late. You never really know anything at twenty-two so I doubt I’ll know anything at age twenty-three. Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time, especially the life someone portrays on social media is a BIG one. You can’t compare your life with theirs because it’s a waste of energy trying to compare when you can be happy with how you are now. Enjoy the time to yourself, but also make efforts to meet and make new friends. Try and force yourself out of your comfort zone and you’ll never know what your good at or get to experience. I’m starting to not kill myself over school, that a “B” is still a good grade to get. That I’m not dying over studying 24/7, because in the end it’s not worth it if it’s costing you your health. I’m re-learning this every year: everything happens for a reason. That in the end all that matters is my health and overall well being.  I’ve been really trying to understand and accept that concept, because I used to not think that my health mattered until something happened and it really opened my eyes to what could have been. That secrets make you sick. I’m learning to be a voice. I’ve learned that love is necessary. That loneliness is brutal. Finally as I turn twenty-three I’m so thankful to have the people I have in my life. The ones who have pushed me and never gave up on me.

Finding Myself After Anorexia

Out of my twenty-two years of being here on earth I’m learning that in life we don’t get do-overs. I can’t go back to that day where I threw away my lunch or the day I pushed myself too hard in running and the only thing I can do now is moving forward. I can’t get those years back when I was in the depths of  my eating disorder and all I can do is make the healthy choices right now. I know in reality that my eating disorder can come back and relapse can happen, but the difference is now I know what to look for when I start to go back to my eating disorder. Before I would be blindsided and it would hit me all at once and it would take longer to get back to recovery mode. As I start school in the fall at Elmhurst College I’m taking charge of my recovery by finding a therapist near the campus and making a support system at school. I’m nervous for the school year, because I know my pattern and when school starts I engage in eating disorder behaviors and I get very malnourished. My anxiety steps in and my drive for perfection sets in and things go wrong. That pattern I have to watch out for as I start school, but with the help of my support system I feel more confident with the choices I will make. 

Being in the depths of my eating disorder I forgot who I was and what I believed in. So the question is, how do you return to yourself in a recovered life, if you’ve forgotten who you were in the first place. That has been such a difficult aspect of recovery. Pre-anorexia I was just a silly dreamer and a curious 12 year old who enjoyed being surrounded by family and friends. But after many years spent obsessing over food, over exercising, and trying to reach perfection… I changed as a whole person. I wasn’t the girl who laughed at jokes or saw the beauty in sunsets. I was different. I changed and the question is… did I find myself again? Well to answer that, no I haven’t. I’m still a “work in progress”(Jennifer Wilson quote) and I’m learning who I am, as I am now. The thing is, I’m a whole new person. Whether I like it or not, I’ve changed. 

I can’t get that time back, lost to the eating disorder. But I can choose to make the most of the second chance I’ve been given. The more time and distance between me and the eating disorder, the more I’ll dive headfirst into chasing life again. I’m able to feel my emotions again and learn to accept them as they come. I’m learning to be a voice and not a victim. I lost many years to my eating disorder, but I plan to make some good years because isn’t that what life is about? Having some bad and some good in this lifetime? I’ll take it.