Recovery: year 4

How can it be 4 years since my stay from Eating Recovery Center? I’ve been in recovery for 4 years and I could not be more happy than I am today. To be able to stay out of treatment for 4 years is such a big accomplishment for me. I never thought that I would make it to this point in my life where I can eat what I want and not feel too guilty, I’m wearing the clothes that feel right to me, and to go for a run whenever I feel like it and not make it a chore. From the moment I stopped fighting was the moment I started winning. I sat with my emotions and when I was hungry I ate and didn’t go for a “run” to burn off the calories. I had to learn to speak my feelings instead of restricting them. The first few weeks just sucked and I didn’t think I could go a day without using my eating disorder. And today I can say I am finally beating my eating disorder for FOUR YEARS! 4 years of finding life, enjoying food, lots of rants to my therapist, and gaining back trust within myself and my thoughts/feelings.

In recovery I’ve learned and accepted a lot. I accepted that I am no longer an athlete who put herself through hell to try and be the best and perfect athlete. I can look back at old photos and videos with peace and joy, to appreciate the good times I had with my teammates and lay to rest the bitterness I used to have about the bad times. I have accepted that my body is not constant: that it changes from moment to moment internally in ways I can’t see, and overtime it changes externally- the changes society loves to focus on, yet the changes that also mean so little when it comes to ones worth. I have accepted that I have to take care of my body and treat it with kindness and love. I’m still learning to be assertive and open about my thoughts and feelings, while also being free of judgement towards myself for doing so- that has been the hardest part of recovery and I’m still a work in progress. 

 What I’ve learned from all these years is that no matter how many times I was hospitalized or put into treatment or showed up to therapy, the moment I truly wanted recovery was the moment I was ready for the fight. It’s confusing, exhausting, and constantly uncomfortable hard work. It’s a very confusing thing to do, how do you know what part of your brain is the healthy part and the part that is disordered that will be a part of your life forever? It’s exhausting to be at war with your mind all day long and giving up the voice inside yourself that told you not to eat. I learned to be uncomfortable with being in my own skin as it should be. To allow myself to work on the root of my eating disorder and how to move forward from my mistakes. 

My best advice for recovery is that you have to let go of the idea that everything will somehow just click and happen and how the painful feelings you get when you try to recover meaning you “aren’t ready”. It’s not true. Recovery is painful and hard and it’s just how it is. You must find the strength to work through the pain. Recovery is a choice you make every second of every day, and to make the right choice is not always easy; you must have another choice that you want more. Whether that be going off to college, not living in and out of treatment, being able to go on vacation without bringing along your eating disorder, or saving your life, you must have a choice that you want to pick more than your eating disorder. Every single person that’s gone through recovery has had to fight to pain. When you hear a story about someone recovering you may feel as though they had some “miracle” to recover and that you will never get that, but in reality we all fight through the same painful demon of an eating disorder. No one finds recovery without a painful fight; However we are all more than capable of taking on that fight. It took a lot of hope, support, relapses, and white knuckling to get where I am today, but all that matters is that I made it. I am in recovery. I don’t like to say that I’m “recovered”, because I think recovery is a work in progress that I will deal with the rest of my life. I am still Rebecca and I am the one who’s important in the end of my recovery process.

Change is coming, and it’s not stopping

It’s my senior year at Elmhurst University and I cannot wait to start my career. I’m getting my undergrad in Psychology and a minor in coaching. Finally after 6 years when I first started my college career I’m getting my undergrad. For the first time in a long time I’m excited about my future. This fall I’m starting to look into graduate schools as well. I really want to get into Southern Illinois University- Edwardsville. They have an Exercise and Sport Psychology Masters Program. Just one more step closer to becoming a Sport Psychologist. After leaving school twice for treatment for my eating disorder I thought that i wasn’t ever going to return back to school. I thought that all my life was going to be treatment center after treatment center. It’s taken me roughly 9-10 years to realize that I was worth saving. I can’t believe that it’s been that long ago since my eating disorder began. Feels so long ago, but can remember that day so perfectly when things changed in my life. I still have my moments where I struggle with my eating disorder, but I’m more knowledgeable about how to get myself out of a relapse when I do. I know I still have lots to learn about myself, but hey that’s the journey of life right? 

I was never a fan of change. Change meant that everything was never going to be the same. I wanted my life to be the same, because it was all I’ve ever known since I was 13 years old when my eating disorder developed. Going into treatment I knew that I needed to change, but I didn’t want to admit that. Not to them and not to myself. At my first treatment center, Timberline Knolls, I was introduced to the 12 step program. I thought that the 12 step was a joke and didn’t think I could learn anything from it, but I did within the first 2 weeks being there. I saw how the serenity prayer and 12 step program worked for these women. I saw the change in them and I wanted that change too. 

Serenity Prayer – Full Version (composed in 1940s)

by Reinhold Neibuhr

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen. 

1.God, grant me the serenity…     

Serenity is akin to calmness. When we lack serenity, we tend to feel stressful and agitated. It’s difficult to make sensible decisions when in this negative state of mind. When we are stressed, we are likely to act impulsively and on our emotions. Doing so can have far-reaching negative consequences. Asking for serenity is a wise decision, particularly when you are about to act in a way that could result in long-term emotional or physical harm.

Stress is very much a modern disease that’s linked to a whole range of ailments such as cancer, heart disease, obesity and premature death. This backdrop means the Serenity Prayer could never be more relevant to the lives of addicts and non-addicts alike.

2. To accept the things I cannot change… 

Although accepting the things you cannot change makes utter logical sense, each and every one of us is guilty of obsessing over matters that we are not in any way capable or likely to influence. The word ‘accept’ is also significant because to accept means you are accepting the present moment without resistance of any kind. The word ‘accept’ hints at your emotional ability to bear and even accept hardship that’s not immediately within your power to change. It’s worth mentioning that your ability to accept hardship is aided by practising mindfulness meditation because both support the goal of overcoming negativity and experiencing the present moment as a neutral observer. Attempting to control the uncontrollable is utter madness and will, significantly, always result in either absolute failure or results that are far from ideal. To do so is an unprofitable use of your time and energy. 

Some of us are entirely consumed in attempting to alter things outside our control. The sadness is that many of these people are not aware that they are attempting to change something that simply cannot be changed. A classic example of this sort of maladaptive behaviour is the wish to change the behaviour of another person. In truth, it is all but impossible to compel a person to change his or her ways, no matter how hard you try. It’s interesting to note that this part of the serenity prayer supports Step 1 of the 12 Steps where it says “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

3. The courage to change the things I can… 

This sentence challenges you to examine the things in life that you can change. The magic word in this sentence is ‘can’. One significant thing you can change is yourself.  Change is usually difficult and even painful for most. Change almost always requires significant personal sacrifice in multiple areas of your life. Lasting change also requires substantial self-determination and self-examination. Many people lack the courage to carry out a thorough self-examination because they are afraid they may not like what they find.Doing so will typically mean you lack the courage to change the things you are able to influence in your life.

Demanding a level of personal responsibility is about taking ownership of the things you are able to change. Resentment towards others is one sign you are unnecessarily conceding control to outside forces. We feel personal change means you must take radical responsibility for all aspects of your life. This includes setting boundaries of what you will and what not to accept from others. Doing so means you are able to enforce matters that are within your realm of control.  Altering your life’s course is not for the faint-hearted, and thus it is not surprising that the Serenity Prayer uses the word ‘courage’ in its text. Often, changing things within your power often results in either distancing yourself from or eliminating things in your life that you cannot directly change.

4. And the wisdom to know the difference… 

For many, this last sentence of the Serenity Prayer is the most significant. Why? Because knowing the difference between what we can change and what we cannot is, in practical terms, never that straightforward. This may be because many of our decisions are driven by emotion rather than logic. This means most of us are guilty of trying to change things we are unable to change whilst neglecting the things that could actually make a difference. Perhaps this is because, at some deep psychological level, we are afraid to implement things that we know are capable of instigating changes to how we live our lives, even if those changes are well within our best interest. Knowing this distinction between what we can and cannot change is often a prerequisite for enacting lasting positive change. It also allows us to focus our efforts on areas we are capable of influencing whilst allowing us to avoid wasting our precious time and energy on areas we are simply unable to change. The word ‘wisdom’ is akin to knowledge and experience. If you have faith, you will gain this wisdom with time. Reciting the Serenity Prayer will help to instil this wisdom into your thoughts almost unconsciously. We feel the word ‘wisdom’ is interchangeable with the word ‘ability’ or ‘skill’. Thus, it may be argued the Serenity Prayer isn’t so much a prayer but more a set of instructions for successful living.  

 

Who loved me through recovery

An illness does not only affect the person who suffers, but those of family, friends, and community. I can feel when you’re about to come up to me and ask a question, but there is hesitation. The drive on the way to the doctor’s appointment there’s silence, that kind where you want someone to say anything to fill the tension. I know I’m not the only person who has pain during this time. My parents, just like any other parents, want to take away that pain from their child. I know how helpless they feel, when they see me struggle and know that it has to come from within me to make myself better. My friends at events can see me try and be my true self, but knows there’s the battle I’m facing that makes me not me.

During the deep parts of my illness I never thought that I would still have people behind me, supporting me. Putting myself and others through hell and confusion. I don’t even think I would be behind myself supporting me as I got sick. It takes a strong person to love someone who is ill. To stay even when I push and fight; you still stayed. Who are there day and night when I needed someone the most. I am eternally grateful for those who loved me through recovery.

Love, The Whole Version of the Broken One You Loved 

Finding Myself After Anorexia

Out of my twenty-two years of being here on earth I’m learning that in life we don’t get do-overs. I can’t go back to that day where I threw away my lunch or the day I pushed myself too hard in running and the only thing I can do now is moving forward. I can’t get those years back when I was in the depths of  my eating disorder and all I can do is make the healthy choices right now. I know in reality that my eating disorder can come back and relapse can happen, but the difference is now I know what to look for when I start to go back to my eating disorder. Before I would be blindsided and it would hit me all at once and it would take longer to get back to recovery mode. As I start school in the fall at Elmhurst College I’m taking charge of my recovery by finding a therapist near the campus and making a support system at school. I’m nervous for the school year, because I know my pattern and when school starts I engage in eating disorder behaviors and I get very malnourished. My anxiety steps in and my drive for perfection sets in and things go wrong. That pattern I have to watch out for as I start school, but with the help of my support system I feel more confident with the choices I will make. 

Being in the depths of my eating disorder I forgot who I was and what I believed in. So the question is, how do you return to yourself in a recovered life, if you’ve forgotten who you were in the first place. That has been such a difficult aspect of recovery. Pre-anorexia I was just a silly dreamer and a curious 12 year old who enjoyed being surrounded by family and friends. But after many years spent obsessing over food, over exercising, and trying to reach perfection… I changed as a whole person. I wasn’t the girl who laughed at jokes or saw the beauty in sunsets. I was different. I changed and the question is… did I find myself again? Well to answer that, no I haven’t. I’m still a “work in progress”(Jennifer Wilson quote) and I’m learning who I am, as I am now. The thing is, I’m a whole new person. Whether I like it or not, I’ve changed. 

I can’t get that time back, lost to the eating disorder. But I can choose to make the most of the second chance I’ve been given. The more time and distance between me and the eating disorder, the more I’ll dive headfirst into chasing life again. I’m able to feel my emotions again and learn to accept them as they come. I’m learning to be a voice and not a victim. I lost many years to my eating disorder, but I plan to make some good years because isn’t that what life is about? Having some bad and some good in this lifetime? I’ll take it.     

 

See you later 21, cause I’m feeling 22

Since I’ve been 21 so much has happened this past year. 1 YEAR, 12 MONTHS, 365 DAYS, 8760 HOURS, 525,600 MINUTES, 31,536,000 SECONDS…. I’m still in school going at my community college near home and I’m soon going to graduate with an associate’s in the arts. I’m looking into transferring to Southern Illinois University of Edwardsville for their undergrad in Psychology and then hopefully get into their Sport Psychology Master’s Program. Normally getting an associates takes two years, but for me it’s taken three years because I left for treatment twice. After my second treatment center I honestly thought that I wasn’t going to be motivated to go back to school. Leaving Eastern Illinois and then leaving McHenry County I felt that school wasn’t going to be a part of my life, but I’m glad I made the choice to talk to an advisor about my options in order to get my associates. I was dreading turning 22, because that meant that I wasn’t going to graduate on time like my friends who are at four year universities and I felt that I would be farther in life. Looking back I realize that taking those two semesters off to get the help I need was truly a good thing for me. I had learned so much during my time in treatment about myself and there are still things that I’m learning along the way. Surprisingly 21 was not that bad of a year, tough but still good. It’s been more than a year and a half since my last treatment center and I’m very proud for staying out of treatment this long. I never thought I could do it, but thanks to my parents, family, friends, and treatment team at home I’ve made it. I’m starting to see the other side of things in terms of recovery and the journey it’s led me on. I’m still skeptical about full recovery, but I do see it in others that I’ve met. I hope to be in their shoes one day.

Here are 21 things I learned so far:

• The people you lose remain a part of you
• When in doubt, just take the next right step
• Don’t compare yourself to others
• Life is NOW
• Vulnerability heals
• Pace yourself
• Perspective is a beautiful thing
• Forgiveness is key
• Live with integrity
• Slow down
• Remain open-minded
• Learn to live with uncertainty
• Take time for yourself
• Accept yourself
• Fight for what you care about
• You’ll never have it all figured out
• Faith is a place of mystery
• You must learn to love yourself first before you love someone else
• We need other people to help us along the way
• Accept the things that I cannot change

I’m ambivalent about what’s coming this next chapter in my life, I know that life happens, but it’s up to me on how I respond to it. Here’s to 22

 

Radical acceptance 

During my time in treatment for my eating disorder, I was introduced to a type of therapy known as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. DBT is a type of therapy that centers around the balance of acceptance and change. It can be helpful for those that experience their emotions in an intense way. Throughout this process of behavior modification, DBT aims to help an individual change unhelpful or harmful behaviors, while still choosing to accept themselves and who they are as a person. One of the major concepts taught in DBT is a skill known as radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is meant to help prevent suffering- The idea behind it is that painful events in life are inevitable, but suffering is optional. By refusing to accept our reality when a painful event happens, we cause ourselves further suffering. Just because we choose to accept the reality of the situation does not mean that we like the situation or agree with it. It also doesn’t mean that we have to stay stuck in our current situation, either. We are not choosing to live with it forever- we are simply choosing to accept it as our current circumstances.

When I first heard of radical acceptance, saying that I was highly skeptical of this skill would be the world’s biggest understatement. In fact, I think I actually rolled my eyes at the very idea of accepting anything that I saw as unsatisfactory. Each time going to group for DBT and learning new skills, radical acceptance was very hard for me. However, this is not true. It doesn’t mean that I have to embrace someone who has hurt me or that I have to just “look on the bright side” and find the good in my situation. Even if that reality is difficult and painful, or the complete opposite of what I want, I am merely accepting that it exists and that it is real.

As a perfectionist, I struggle with the idea of accepting anything that I see as less than ideal, or my absolute best. I tend to hold myself to a high standard and feel that I have failed if I do not live up to that particular standard. My initial thoughts after being introduced to this concept ranged from “Why would I accept anything less than perfection?” all the way to “Are these people absolutely out of their minds?!” However, as I began to put some trust in those who were giving me advice and began to open my mind to the idea of radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance is a process. We do not accept something once and then never struggle with negative thoughts or feelings about it again. There may be a situation, object, or relationship in our lives that we must wake up every single day and consciously choose to radically accept. We must remember to be gentle with ourselves during this process. 

Stand by me 

This morning, Facebook decided to remind me of this day three years ago. In the picture I saw some version of myself smiling for the camera – brown eyes, long ombre hair, surrounded with friends. That’s me, right? Technically, yes, but when I look at that picture I didn’t see myself. I see a girl who is drowning in sadness despite the big, toothy smile. I see a hand gripping the railing a little bit too tightly, steadying the girl long enough to pose for a picture. When you are perusing Facebook and you slide your cursor over this picture, yes, my name will show. In some way, I am attached to this girl, but she is not me. I call her Anorexia. I would try, though. I would tell her that she can get better. That I know she reads success stories of individuals who call themselves “recovered”. I know she finds hope in those stories, but truly believes that she is the exception; she will never heal. For a second. Until she realizes she has to go an entire other day living in the exhausting rigidity of her disease.

I would tell her that starving herself will not make the past or the pain go away. But what she is doing is just a bandaid, and it’s not healing any wounds. I would tell her, and this is an important one, that she is not alone. People may hurt her – they may even give up on her – but there are also people who love her. There are people who believe in her and will do anything to help her get better. She just has to believe in herself first. The close relationships I created in treatment I realized used each other to build each other up. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count on the people who have stood by me through this entire process. The beginning when I first told someone till now. There’s a corky saying, “Everyone comes into your life for a reason; some good and some bad.” It is true, because those who stay make an imprint on those for a lifetime. Being a text away, phone call away, or a flight away gives me comfort. That across the nation I have women who support me and are holding hope for me when I can’t hold hope for myself.

We are not alone. As the classic song says, “when the night has come and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we’ll see, no I won’t be afraid … just as long as you stand, stand by me”.

It Really Isn’t A Failure

I think I failed. Or I feel like I failed. One of the two. I’m back to square one almost, not completely but pretty much. I’ve never been so frustrated with myself. I’m back in treatment. Self-admitting is not easy and it was the last thing I wanted to bring the new year in. Then I realized how desperately I want to be better. How I want to attend school, get a job, and to eventually get my own place.  To be normal is something we’ve talked about all week at treatment.  You have to go back? I was hard on myself the days building up to my first day. I thought what could I have done differently, why did I let it get back to this point again? I looked at all the negatives in my life at the moment. How much I messed up and caused a fuss again. How I would spend everyday all day in treatment going through the same thing I did 7 months ago. Would it even work this time? I could only hope.My eating disorder has been a big part of my life for years now; to realize it would be gone makes me think I would lose control. Control is what we seek in an eating disorder. But too much control leads to out of control. Not only was I scared but also I was tired of working so hard.

Recovering is a process. A long process that I will probably have to deal with for years to come. I wish that after this second time of treatment that I would be perfectly fine and healthy, but I know I won’t be. That’s where I missed the mark last time. I thought after feeling amazing in treatment and feeling that “high” that I was “cured”, little did I know I would be back so soon. I wish as much as anyone else that this was curable, fixable and had a shot that in 24 hours would make you feel normal again. But it doesn’t work that way. It really doesn’t.

I may still feel like I failed and still feel like I put a lot of people down. I can only imagine my life would be so much different. That’s what I feel most disappointed in. I imagine brighter skies and a bigger smile across my face. To be normal. I don’t know much about it. In my eyes I failed, maybe to others I failed too. Deep down, I know I didn’t fail. Deep down I know I tried it myself and it didn’t work, trial and error. I did it one way and it didn’t work, it is impossible on your own. In a way, it’s my “booster shot” returning back to treatment. Say I failed, but I only see myself saving my life. While I’m back I might as well make the most of each session and continue to learn. I realized that while here I’m always learning.

Treatment is not a bad thing, therapy is not a bad thing, help is not a bad thing. If you need help you shall seek help. I am trying to turn my life around so I have a future without my eating disorder, so it stops taking up my entire day. I didn’t fail, I may have made some mistakes that led me here. But I didn’t fail, and if I have to continue to seek treatment, I didn’t fail either. You are strong. I am strong. I made the decision to continue fighting and that’s the strongest thing I could ever do. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do, in that moment.

I Would Tell Her..

Dear little one,

You’re probably waking up now with the sun peaking through your curtains. Rubbing your sleepy eyes. Stretching out  your arms and legs by taking up the bed because you can. When it’s time to get dressed, don’t take too long. Find what YOU like, not what your mom likes, or your best friend. Wear what you want, that you feel confident in. When you’re sitting in school during a lesson and you don’t understand, it’s okay to ask for help. Raise your hand, and if other kids laugh, do not feel ashamed. Do not think you are not smart enough, not capable of learning, or a bad student. You are none of those things. Playing out on the playground is meant for running outside and playing hopscotch, not for playing on your cell phones. Use the playground equipment by sliding down the slides, swinging through on the monkey bars laughing and smiling up at the warm sun. If you see a boy or girl by themselves ask if they want to play with you. They might be in your home room class or maybe they won’t; the nice thing to do is always ask, because you don’t know if they were having a bad day or what it’s like at home. When it’s time for the school day to be over, leave not discouraged that you didn’t do well on the science test, but leave with the attitude that you did the best you could, because it’s just one day out of 365 days of the year.

Don’t rush your childhood. It’s fun to imagine what job you would want, having a family, and choosing the car you want to drive. To think of how you want your life to be and the “future” plans. As young as 9 years old, I would think about types of careers I would like to do. Maybe I could be a teacher and teach others how to spell and write, maybe I can help my community and be a police officer, or maybe a cook in my own restaurant. While you have sleepovers with friends talking about how many kids you want and what their names will be.

But for now,  enjoy your birthday parties with family and close friends, get your bike out of the garage and ride over to a friends to play. Spend time with your younger siblings and play at the park. Feel the sun kiss your cheek, let the rain run down your skin, the wind blow through your hair, and snowflakes land on your tongue. Remember that there’s no time to rush. Everything you need to focus on is right in front of you. Be you. Witness all the beauty that surrounds you. Nothing should be hard at this moment in your life.  

Start of Something New

There are many memorable days people remember. 9/11, a marriage anniversary, a birthday, or perhaps a death of a loved one. Every addict remembers their first time entering treatment either in a hospital setting or residential treatment. The day I was admitted to Timberline Knolls was February 6th, 2016. Being honest when I first got to pine lodge I couldn’t process anything, all I knew was that I was at a treatment center. I didn’t look up to see a face or what the lodge looked like. I was so scared being in a different environment. I was sitting on a couch and everything around me was a blurr. I layed in my bed staring outside of my window thinking about the friends I made at Eastern Illinois University. How fast I left without saying goodbye. I vanished. Then there were my hometown friends who got the news and had no idea about my eating disorder.

Sound asleep when suddenly the nurse comes in yelling, “Vitals ladies!!” and slams the door behind her. Well good morning to you too I thought. It was a great start to my first official day. The day felt so fast with meeting the residents, Behavioral Health Specialist (BHS), my therapist, nutritionist, and Eating Disorder Specialist (EDS). Many of the girls were so welcoming to me. I think they could all tell I was confused and scared. I desperately wanted to reach out to my roommate, but I was very closed off. When it came to meals and snacks I felt like a prisoner. Being told to sit and eat. Sitting at the dinner table with 8 to 9 other girls we all had to face that meal. I thought that while in school or with friends and family no one understands what I’m going through. That fear of not being in control, the thoughts of “I’m not _____ enough, and mostly importantly having to break the cycle of the eating disorder. These women I sat with for all three meals, understand what I’m going through. It was the first time I didn’t feel like an outsider. There are other people who deal with mental illnesses not only in eating disorders, but alcoholism, self- harm, substance abuse, etc. I didn’t feel alone. As I got myself ready for bed, one of my roommates turned off the lights and crawled into bed.

Gently I whispered, “Goodnight”.

“Goodnight Rebecca”

I spoke and wasn’t as scared.