Many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest

Honesty, one of the hardest things I had to do to reach recovery. To be honest when you’ve eaten or not. To be honest with your therapist on how you’re really doing. To be honest with yourself. It was hard in the beginning of being honest with everyone including yourself. When I was at Timberline Knolls that was the first time being honest about my eating disorder. It was my first day actually, at the admission building where I spoke to a nurse and she asked me all types of questions and that’s when I knew I couldn’t lie. If I lied then it wouldn’t help anyone at that point. Plus it would show up on the scale and she would know if I was telling the truth or not. I remember meeting my treatment team at Timberline Knolls and how all they wanted from me was to try and be honest. At my first 12 step meeting I recall the opening passage that came out of the AA book, “Many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest”. After the meeting I picked up the AA book and started to read it. As I was reading I replaced the words of “alcohol” with “eating disorder” and “drinking” with “restricting”. After reading “Bill’s Story” to “How it Works” I wanted what they had. Recovery. 

So I showed up to breakfast when I wanted to sleep. I went to group therapy when I wanted to talk to my mom. I went to meetings and that’s where I found hope along with the strength of the other women I met. I had rough patches at Timberline Knolls, but I made it through with being honest. Going to therapy I learned a lot about myself and what my underlying issues that were beneath my eating disorder. Group therapy was hard being raw with everyone staring at you, but it was worth it. It helped me be honest with the other girls around me and getting their trust. What I looked most forward to was the meetings. In the meetings it just felt like there was hope in those four walls. We talked about some hard stuff, but we all learned from each other. 

I realized how hard it is to be honest. To tell the truth. To tell your loved one that you’re still not ok. To tell your treatment team you’re struggling. To tell yourself that it’s okay to have a bad day and to fix yourself for the next challenge. When it comes to being honest I had the hardest time being honest with myself. I had to realize that everything I have been doing for the past 6 years was not healthy. That perfection isn’t true. How things aren’t always how they seem and that being honest is the first step to recovering. If I can be honest then the rest will come. 

Stuck

I’ve been in recovery now for 4 years. It was a long road, but I pulled through. I’m recovered physically, but I noticed mentally I’m not in the right state of mind when it comes to my recovery. I’m not sure when this started for me, but it’s been something on my mind. I did very well when the world fell apart with COVID-19, surprisingly well. I ate when I was supposed to and even being housebound I was OK with it. Still had therapy via telehealth, and it worked for me. I missed human contact, but for once I was able to focus on myself. To really work on me without having too much going on in my life. I’m not sure why I flourished when COVID-19 came into all our lives. I know people with addiction had a very hard time. People couldn’t go into therapy, see their dietitian, or go to 12 step meetings. Being stuck in my home I was able to do lots of writing in my journal and step outside once in a while in my backyard and I did a lot of reflecting.

Since the vaccine came out and people going back to their normal routine, I found myself struggling. Maybe it was the fact that I had to face the world again or I knew that I couldn’t hide from the world. The world can be cruel but can be beautiful at the same time. I sometimes have those thoughts of thinking I can go back to my eating disorder, but then I remind myself how miserable I was. It’s a war inside my head that I know will always be there. I have the tools and know what I’m supposed to do when I struggle. It’s just sometimes doing the next right thing is difficult. It’s difficult to silence that voice in your head that you can fall back into your addiction. I know people who have recovered from their addictions and still feel mentally stuck. That’s how I feel now. Stuck. For example, a person with alcoholism thinking about trying to have a drink even though you’ve been sober for 10 years and that you’ll be OK with that one drink. Or for me, thinking that I don’t have to eat all my food on my plate and that it’s OK to do that. I find it scary that I think that way. That I’m ready to self-destruct after all my hard work has taken place. Or I’m afraid of being happy and healthy when all I’ve known is being sick.

I know this is something that will pass, those thoughts but for now, I know I need to sit with them and keep going. I can’t fall back into my eating disorder, because I need to be strong. Since the vaccine, I’ve been stepping out of my comfort zone by buying clothes that actually fit me and that aren’t baggy. I’m eating foods that I never imagined myself trying. It’s something that I’m trying out, it’s uncomfortable but that means I’m growing. Growth is something that I always avoided because that meant I was further away from my eating disorder. I’m trying to let go of that part of myself and learning that it’s OK to reinvent yourself. COVID-19 thank you for letting me do a lot of self-reflection. It’s something that I never gave myself time to do for once in my life. I once wrote about happiness and how I deserve to be happy. I’m still trying to reach that and be OK with it. So for now, I’m stuck mentally but this shall pass. I’m still in recovery and I’m learning that it’s OK to be physically well, but can still struggle on the inside.

Freedom to know happiness and freedom to know love

I never knew what happiness was. I was never a happy person until now. At a young age, I was kind of a happy girl but when I was 12 years old it changed. I became unhappy and very competitive in my running. I was trying to reach this perfection that only existed in my head and it drove me into madness. When I was really malnourished I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel joy, sadness, pain, or happiness. I was just numb. It took two treatment stays to get things right. Yet, at my last stay at treatment I still wasn’t happy. When I think about it I started to get happy this past year: 2020-2021. It took me over 10 years to start to feel a bit happy. Sure I’d smile for a photo or laugh at a joke. But it wasn’t genuine happiness. It took a long time to find happiness. Happiness from my eating disorder and happiness from my depression and anxiety. To be happy never came easy to me, I had to search for it and then hold onto it. I finally felt free from my eating disorder and when I did, happiness came along. I started to feel all these emotions, some were good some bad, but I was able to feel them. Having freedom from my eating disorder has been the biggest lift off my chest. Being happy I now know is a good thing and that it’s okay to feel happy. It may last a minute or last a whole day, but I’ll take any happiness that comes my way. 

Love. There’s this quote from C.S Lewis that says,“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” I came across this quote when I was at Timberline Knolls. I did a canvas with the words, “To love is to be vulnerable”. I think this stuck out to me the most, because I think it speaks so clearly about what it means to love anyone or anything. It’s hard. It’s scary, and at times it’s downright depressing. But it can be beautiful, exhilarating and the best thing you ever decide to do. Sometimes it seems easier and more logical to just not love anyone at all. To guard our hearts so that nothing can hurt us. That’s always an option, but not the one I recommend. I’ve broken my heart many times and I’m sure I still have a few more to go through but then, what is a good ending? We are all constantly changing, sometimes in ways we can’t control, even if we wanted to. You just have to love other people where they are at. You have to take the risk and ultimately know that your happiness is dependent upon you and your mindset. To love another is a choice. It’s a choice you make every day to decide to continue loving, to deal with all their little quirks and flaws, in the same way you would want yours to be overlooked. To last in love is to not give up. To keep going, and when something is working, take the time to fix it. Anyone can give up. Anyone can leave. It takes no bravery or resilience at all. Be vulnerable. Let yourself feel everything with full intensity. It’s the only way to live. You will probably get hurt, most likely disappointed, but what’s living if you aren’t going to love in the full capacity you are capable of?

Every Body has a Seat at the Table

This NEDA week in February 2021 the theme is “Every Body Has A Seat At The Table”. For me, being in recovery I always felt that I didn’t deserve a spot at the table in treatment. That there was someone “sicker” than me and needed the spot in treatment. Part of recovery in the beginning is realizing that you need help and getting help. I remember my first meal at Timberline Knolls. I didn’t know where to sit or if I even wanted to sit at the table till a girl with brown curly hair pulled out a seat for me to sit, because she could see me struggle between wanting to sit down or to go back to bed. It’s intimidating to be in front of strangers you don’t know and to eat in front of them and staff. It’s like having people watch you go to the bathroom ( at inpatient and residential they do check your bathroom stall) so it felt like that. 

There’s always a feeling that you don’t belong. That you won’t find your “people” in treatment. Of course you have the support of your family, friends, and treatment team but I found it hard to find my “people” in treatment. I learned the hard way that not everyone in treatment will be a good influence on me. That I had to pick and choose with who I affiliated with. It’s hard to pick and choose, but in the end it’s about me. Not about the girl next to me who ate everything on her plate or the girl who barely touched her plate. I had to take my recovery into my own hands and take care of it.

Eating disorders have no shape, gender, ethnicity, or age that defines someone who struggles. Someone can be at a “healthy” weight and have symptoms of an eating disorder, but doctors seem not to see it that way. One thing I wish people would understand is that it can happen to anyone at any time in their lifetime. In treatment I met males who have eating disorders, and the youngest person being like 12 [and the oldest] 70 years old. I was in treatment with those people and I feel like people don’t know that it’s not just your adolescent age or your early twenties. Some people carry it the rest of their lives and still have to go to treatment. When it was time to leave it was hard to say goodbye to the women I had met because all of them have touched my life in a meaningful way. 

As I reflect, the theme of “Every Body Has A Seat At The Table” this year I realized that all along I did have and always will have a seat at the table. I’ve always deserved a seat at the table.

Recovery: year 4

How can it be 4 years since my stay from Eating Recovery Center? I’ve been in recovery for 4 years and I could not be more happy than I am today. To be able to stay out of treatment for 4 years is such a big accomplishment for me. I never thought that I would make it to this point in my life where I can eat what I want and not feel too guilty, I’m wearing the clothes that feel right to me, and to go for a run whenever I feel like it and not make it a chore. From the moment I stopped fighting was the moment I started winning. I sat with my emotions and when I was hungry I ate and didn’t go for a “run” to burn off the calories. I had to learn to speak my feelings instead of restricting them. The first few weeks just sucked and I didn’t think I could go a day without using my eating disorder. And today I can say I am finally beating my eating disorder for FOUR YEARS! 4 years of finding life, enjoying food, lots of rants to my therapist, and gaining back trust within myself and my thoughts/feelings.

In recovery I’ve learned and accepted a lot. I accepted that I am no longer an athlete who put herself through hell to try and be the best and perfect athlete. I can look back at old photos and videos with peace and joy, to appreciate the good times I had with my teammates and lay to rest the bitterness I used to have about the bad times. I have accepted that my body is not constant: that it changes from moment to moment internally in ways I can’t see, and overtime it changes externally- the changes society loves to focus on, yet the changes that also mean so little when it comes to ones worth. I have accepted that I have to take care of my body and treat it with kindness and love. I’m still learning to be assertive and open about my thoughts and feelings, while also being free of judgement towards myself for doing so- that has been the hardest part of recovery and I’m still a work in progress. 

 What I’ve learned from all these years is that no matter how many times I was hospitalized or put into treatment or showed up to therapy, the moment I truly wanted recovery was the moment I was ready for the fight. It’s confusing, exhausting, and constantly uncomfortable hard work. It’s a very confusing thing to do, how do you know what part of your brain is the healthy part and the part that is disordered that will be a part of your life forever? It’s exhausting to be at war with your mind all day long and giving up the voice inside yourself that told you not to eat. I learned to be uncomfortable with being in my own skin as it should be. To allow myself to work on the root of my eating disorder and how to move forward from my mistakes. 

My best advice for recovery is that you have to let go of the idea that everything will somehow just click and happen and how the painful feelings you get when you try to recover meaning you “aren’t ready”. It’s not true. Recovery is painful and hard and it’s just how it is. You must find the strength to work through the pain. Recovery is a choice you make every second of every day, and to make the right choice is not always easy; you must have another choice that you want more. Whether that be going off to college, not living in and out of treatment, being able to go on vacation without bringing along your eating disorder, or saving your life, you must have a choice that you want to pick more than your eating disorder. Every single person that’s gone through recovery has had to fight to pain. When you hear a story about someone recovering you may feel as though they had some “miracle” to recover and that you will never get that, but in reality we all fight through the same painful demon of an eating disorder. No one finds recovery without a painful fight; However we are all more than capable of taking on that fight. It took a lot of hope, support, relapses, and white knuckling to get where I am today, but all that matters is that I made it. I am in recovery. I don’t like to say that I’m “recovered”, because I think recovery is a work in progress that I will deal with the rest of my life. I am still Rebecca and I am the one who’s important in the end of my recovery process.

24 Thoughts on Turning 24

I’m not a big fan of birthdays; I loved it more when I was a kid. After a certain age, it just became one of those days. But recently I had a conversation with a close friend and she explained to me how significant our birthdays truly are. She reminded me of what my mother went through to bring me into this world and she also emphasized the happiness a child brings into a family when they are born and that perspective just made me realize I need to celebrate my birthdays from here on. So from this year, I took a pledge to turn over a new lettuce leaf. This week I’m just diving straight into it. Here’s my 24 Thoughts on turning 24:

1. I am getting old. Full stop. But I am also the oldest I have ever been and the youngest I will ever be so I thought if I can maintain this kind of attitude every year I will be forever young. I started to wonder if the phrase “I’m old or I’m getting old” is just because everyone says so and hence makes a big deal about it. In reality, it’s the idea of whether or not I will have enough time to do all the things I want too in this crazy rollercoaster we call life. Am I the only one feeling like I’m running out of time? 
2. I’m starting to enjoy the ride instead of being too focused. Don’t get me wrong I strongly advocate towards chasing dreams and setting goals but I think it’s important to take a step back sometimes, reflect and maybe even rest. If you focus too much on the result you are most likely going to loathe the journey and it will not be as rewarding in the end. You have to be aware of the process, because that’s where the lessons are learnt, that’s where you face your fears. That’s where you grow.
3. Your twenties are not the years to have your whole life planned out, or have everything figured out. In fact, it can be quite mind boggling and confusing. But it’s the time of exploration and understanding what works and doesn’t work for you.
4. Stop wasting time. I really have been quite selfish with my time lately. I stopped paying attention to anything that doesn’t allow me to grow or engage me in deep thoughts. Like if there’s a movie I’m watching and it starts to get boring I switch it off, or a book I’m reading that isn’t grasping my attention, I just put it down. You can’t be stuck doing something that isn’t benefitting you or bringing you happiness, that’s just time that you can’t get back.
5. Someone recently asked me, “Where do I find the time to write and keep blogging with my busy schedule?” And I didn’t need to think about the answer, it’s pretty straightforward. You don’t try to make time or find time to do the things you love, you just do it. If you passionate about something, finding time won’t be the issue.
6. Eat that second slice of pizza. Life is short anyway. 
7. It’s okay to lose contact with people along the way. It’s part of growing up and truth is at some point we will outgrow each other. It’s a part of life that is certain so you have to accept it. It’s not easy though to think that some people will eventually outgrow you but you have to let go so that you can move on and that person can too. 
8. Sing in the car like no one’s watching, even if people stare maybe you will inspire them to sing too. 
9. You will fail at many things in life and its okay. In fact its more than okay, it means you are trying new things all the time instead of playing it safe. Failure is a part of growing up for as long as we don’t give up.
10.  People will judge no matter what you do, so I say do it anyway even if you fail at it, you have a story to tell and that’s more interesting than having nothing to say at all. 
11. Engage in enriching conversations with people of different ages. And listen to understand not just to reply. You will learn a lot from people who are not your age. Whether it’s a kid or an elder, you are bound to look at life differently.
12. Don’t rush. Slow touch. I’m joking; I swear I did not intend to quote that song. On a serious note, I had a conversation with an influential person in my life a while ago who shared some insight about living life to the fullest, he said: “If you are driving 100 in a 60 km/h zone then you are bound to get a speeding ticket. So why not slow down and abide to the rules of the road. It’s the exact same analogy with life, don’t rush to get to a destination, you will arrive there no matter how long it takes but if you just slow down once in a while and enjoy the view, the journey will be more rewarding than the destination.
13. Be true to yourself. Be honest. Don’t allow yourself to listen to the voices around you. You must be brave enough to listen to your subconscious mind.
14. Be grounded in your value system. It not only guides you to make tough decisions but it guides you in making responsible decisions.
15. Be confident. Even when you don’t know what you are doing just be confident. It’s a way of tricking your mind into thinking you have everything under control until you really do.
16. Invest time in yourself. There is one person whom you will spend your whole life with and you need to take care of this person before you take care of someone else. Just look in the mirror and you will know who I’m referring too.
17. Smile. A lot. Even if people can’t see it (since we are bound to masks for most of the day), just smile teeth or no teeth. 
18.  It’s never too late to begin again. You can always start fresh. After all life does not come with a manual. It’s just a canvas for you paint and you are the artist so your hands are responsible for holding the paint brush.
19. I read an article a few years ago that emphasized we should do 3 things in life. The first one is purpose which you will find in a career. Second is a passion which will bring happiness and lastly something which brings out your creative side.. Now I’ve found my 3, hope you can too. 
20. Relationships are not easy neither are all of them permanent but just make sure you are patient and understanding because everyone is fighting their own battle.
21. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion so don’t hate because someone doesn’t agree with you, remember your opinion is not set in stone, it can change at any moment.
22. The little things do matter. Like the taste of coffee on a cold winter’s morning or dancing to your favourite song at 1 am. Don’t take these things for granted. 
23. Be happy, you don’t need a reason, just be happy. Anger is a wasted emotion. 
24. Live in the present moment because everything around us is constantly changing and when it does embrace change. 

That wraps it up. I have much more to say. I always do. But I tried my best to keep it short and sweet and to the point. These thoughts are mostly inspired from some experiences and lessons in life and since I was doing some much needed reflection over the past week, I thought I would share it with you all.

Change is coming, and it’s not stopping

It’s my senior year at Elmhurst University and I cannot wait to start my career. I’m getting my undergrad in Psychology and a minor in coaching. Finally after 6 years when I first started my college career I’m getting my undergrad. For the first time in a long time I’m excited about my future. This fall I’m starting to look into graduate schools as well. I really want to get into Southern Illinois University- Edwardsville. They have an Exercise and Sport Psychology Masters Program. Just one more step closer to becoming a Sport Psychologist. After leaving school twice for treatment for my eating disorder I thought that i wasn’t ever going to return back to school. I thought that all my life was going to be treatment center after treatment center. It’s taken me roughly 9-10 years to realize that I was worth saving. I can’t believe that it’s been that long ago since my eating disorder began. Feels so long ago, but can remember that day so perfectly when things changed in my life. I still have my moments where I struggle with my eating disorder, but I’m more knowledgeable about how to get myself out of a relapse when I do. I know I still have lots to learn about myself, but hey that’s the journey of life right? 

I was never a fan of change. Change meant that everything was never going to be the same. I wanted my life to be the same, because it was all I’ve ever known since I was 13 years old when my eating disorder developed. Going into treatment I knew that I needed to change, but I didn’t want to admit that. Not to them and not to myself. At my first treatment center, Timberline Knolls, I was introduced to the 12 step program. I thought that the 12 step was a joke and didn’t think I could learn anything from it, but I did within the first 2 weeks being there. I saw how the serenity prayer and 12 step program worked for these women. I saw the change in them and I wanted that change too. 

Serenity Prayer – Full Version (composed in 1940s)

by Reinhold Neibuhr

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen. 

1.God, grant me the serenity…     

Serenity is akin to calmness. When we lack serenity, we tend to feel stressful and agitated. It’s difficult to make sensible decisions when in this negative state of mind. When we are stressed, we are likely to act impulsively and on our emotions. Doing so can have far-reaching negative consequences. Asking for serenity is a wise decision, particularly when you are about to act in a way that could result in long-term emotional or physical harm.

Stress is very much a modern disease that’s linked to a whole range of ailments such as cancer, heart disease, obesity and premature death. This backdrop means the Serenity Prayer could never be more relevant to the lives of addicts and non-addicts alike.

2. To accept the things I cannot change… 

Although accepting the things you cannot change makes utter logical sense, each and every one of us is guilty of obsessing over matters that we are not in any way capable or likely to influence. The word ‘accept’ is also significant because to accept means you are accepting the present moment without resistance of any kind. The word ‘accept’ hints at your emotional ability to bear and even accept hardship that’s not immediately within your power to change. It’s worth mentioning that your ability to accept hardship is aided by practising mindfulness meditation because both support the goal of overcoming negativity and experiencing the present moment as a neutral observer. Attempting to control the uncontrollable is utter madness and will, significantly, always result in either absolute failure or results that are far from ideal. To do so is an unprofitable use of your time and energy. 

Some of us are entirely consumed in attempting to alter things outside our control. The sadness is that many of these people are not aware that they are attempting to change something that simply cannot be changed. A classic example of this sort of maladaptive behaviour is the wish to change the behaviour of another person. In truth, it is all but impossible to compel a person to change his or her ways, no matter how hard you try. It’s interesting to note that this part of the serenity prayer supports Step 1 of the 12 Steps where it says “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

3. The courage to change the things I can… 

This sentence challenges you to examine the things in life that you can change. The magic word in this sentence is ‘can’. One significant thing you can change is yourself.  Change is usually difficult and even painful for most. Change almost always requires significant personal sacrifice in multiple areas of your life. Lasting change also requires substantial self-determination and self-examination. Many people lack the courage to carry out a thorough self-examination because they are afraid they may not like what they find.Doing so will typically mean you lack the courage to change the things you are able to influence in your life.

Demanding a level of personal responsibility is about taking ownership of the things you are able to change. Resentment towards others is one sign you are unnecessarily conceding control to outside forces. We feel personal change means you must take radical responsibility for all aspects of your life. This includes setting boundaries of what you will and what not to accept from others. Doing so means you are able to enforce matters that are within your realm of control.  Altering your life’s course is not for the faint-hearted, and thus it is not surprising that the Serenity Prayer uses the word ‘courage’ in its text. Often, changing things within your power often results in either distancing yourself from or eliminating things in your life that you cannot directly change.

4. And the wisdom to know the difference… 

For many, this last sentence of the Serenity Prayer is the most significant. Why? Because knowing the difference between what we can change and what we cannot is, in practical terms, never that straightforward. This may be because many of our decisions are driven by emotion rather than logic. This means most of us are guilty of trying to change things we are unable to change whilst neglecting the things that could actually make a difference. Perhaps this is because, at some deep psychological level, we are afraid to implement things that we know are capable of instigating changes to how we live our lives, even if those changes are well within our best interest. Knowing this distinction between what we can and cannot change is often a prerequisite for enacting lasting positive change. It also allows us to focus our efforts on areas we are capable of influencing whilst allowing us to avoid wasting our precious time and energy on areas we are simply unable to change. The word ‘wisdom’ is akin to knowledge and experience. If you have faith, you will gain this wisdom with time. Reciting the Serenity Prayer will help to instil this wisdom into your thoughts almost unconsciously. We feel the word ‘wisdom’ is interchangeable with the word ‘ability’ or ‘skill’. Thus, it may be argued the Serenity Prayer isn’t so much a prayer but more a set of instructions for successful living.  

 

Who loved me through recovery

An illness does not only affect the person who suffers, but those of family, friends, and community. I can feel when you’re about to come up to me and ask a question, but there is hesitation. The drive on the way to the doctor’s appointment there’s silence, that kind where you want someone to say anything to fill the tension. I know I’m not the only person who has pain during this time. My parents, just like any other parents, want to take away that pain from their child. I know how helpless they feel, when they see me struggle and know that it has to come from within me to make myself better. My friends at events can see me try and be my true self, but knows there’s the battle I’m facing that makes me not me.

During the deep parts of my illness I never thought that I would still have people behind me, supporting me. Putting myself and others through hell and confusion. I don’t even think I would be behind myself supporting me as I got sick. It takes a strong person to love someone who is ill. To stay even when I push and fight; you still stayed. Who are there day and night when I needed someone the most. I am eternally grateful for those who loved me through recovery.

Love, The Whole Version of the Broken One You Loved 

To the Woman Who Saved My Life

To the woman who saved my life,

We met once when I was born 23 years ago. As a young girl I would create this image about you. What you looked like and wonder about your personality. My mom growing up always told me the story of how I became hers. In that story, there’s a missing piece. From the day I was born to 14 months old; a lot happened between those months. But that’s okay. I do not what to know that from you. I would rather believe you gave me up so I can have a better life than to know the truth. I read a book that was about chinese adoption how some women in China did horrible things to do to not have a baby girl, but you didn’t do those horrible things. You knew there was a better way to handle the situation. You knew that I would be found in front of the food store and not in the trash can. You knew in your heart that you could not kill me at birth, you let me live. You made your own decision to let me have a different life. I can’t even imagine how difficult it was for you to leave me in front of the food store. No one should ever have to feel that pain. You and I have gone through the same pain. To lose one another within a day. There’s the pain of wondering where you are or what happened to you once you placed me at the food store. I know what you did for me is a selfless thing for me and my family. Many people can not do what you did.

I sometimes forget about you and so does my family. You out of all people should not be forgotten in my story. When I do think about you especially my birthday and Mother’s Day, I always wish you are well. If there was a way I could help you now as I am an adult I would do anything. The way I’ve been dealing with this is to have the mindset to thank you by living. That’s it. If I can live and survive everyday either in a good or bad way I lived. I am the living version of you. I live for myself and you. I carry you with me. Always. If you could see me now, I hope you are proud of me. To see my run in the sport I love. To see me turn 23. To have seen me graduate high school and getting the opportunity to go to college. You gave me things I couldn’t get it if I stayed in China and you knew that. You did an act that shows love for another human being that does not get recognized. They say our relationship is the wound that never heals. That we will always feel in our heart that something is missing. That we will not be a whole person. We feel that pain everyday that a piece of our heart is empty. Both you and I know my mom cannot fill that missing part in my heart. But we continue to fight. I forgive you and the choice you made.  

Sincerely,

The girl you gave birth to

 

What 2019 Has Taught Me

Trust the process.

Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason”? No joke, it truly does. We are each living our own lives, with different perspectives and opinions on how life should ultimately go. Do you ever look back at a tough part of your life after getting through it and clearly see why each pattern of events had to occur to get you to where you are in the present moment?You learn lessons, and receive blessings at every turn we make in our journey. It all depends on if you actually look for them. Every person, place, thought, and feeling is completely relevant to helping you find yourSELF. It’s important to understand when you are feeling like you are struggling, that there is a higher purpose as to why you are in the situation you are in. Trusting the process of how your life turns out is harder than it seems. We always want to be in control as to what happens in our lives, but we must let go of the expectations of how things will turn out. What makes it easier for myself, is looking back to times where I couldn’t even start to imagine my life as it is now. Every single thing you do is impacting your future in some way. Even a year ago, I never imagined my life would be even close to how amazing it is now. Trust your process, it works out in the end. What is meant to be, will be.

 Stand in your truth, even if your voice shakes.

I dare you to stand in your truth, even if your voice shakes. Standing in your truth means to stand up for what YOU know is right, and true to you. If you feel a certain way, feel it, and don’t let another person dictate what you should or should not be feeling, under any circumstance.Stand up for your relationship, stand up for your perspective, and stand up for yourself, especially when you are being disrespected. Why go around wearing a mask & hiding who you truly & authentically are? Why are you hiding? What’s the point?Even if you are nervous about what people might be thinking, or the feedback you’ll get, speak your truth, and speak it LOUD! To be honest, if you aren’t speaking your truth, you’re lying to yourself. Your voice needs to be heard, and if it’s not acknowledged, look elsewhere for your validation. I am standing for my own truth that has been tried to be silenced after many years. I am not seeking validation from those who can’t stand in the brightness of my light. Instead, I am shining brightly to help those looking find their way. I am not crazy. I am not begging for attention. I am simply who I am, and loving every second of it. I am standing in my truth, always.Stop lying to yourself. Start loving who you actually are. 

Embrace the detours.

Learn to embrace the detours life throws at you. It’s in these moments that redirections give you the time to really think some decisions through, or allow some insight to pour in about if you actually took that route. Detours are a blessing in disguise, as I stated earlier, everything happens for a reason. So if there is a detour, look for the blessing it is bringing you. Sometimes the long sit in traffic teaches me patience, and the feeling of going with the flow. Some days the detour makes me aware of the reactions I have when I get frustrated, teaching me mindfulness. It’s easy to get pissed off when life doesn’t turn out how you originally planned, but it’s a lot easier to understand that there was a deeper meaning to your detour that day. Remember, trust the process. The detours brought into our lives are meant to enrich us with growth, expansion, and patience. It’s all in divine timing.